Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
