its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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