Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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