We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
