did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
