Ambien. No doubt about it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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