Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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