I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
