I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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