So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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