Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
