I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
