I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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