Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
