This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
