That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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