sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
