Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
