What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
