The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
