Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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