Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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