I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
