i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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