There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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