What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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