Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
