I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
