When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize