dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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