I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
