im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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