Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
