I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
