I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
