70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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