I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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