Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
