Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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