I am puke
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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