im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
