So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
