don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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