Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm really busy with my period
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