1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize