dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I want a musical about memes.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
