I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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