hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
