I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
