is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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