P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
