I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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