Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
