Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize