Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
