Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well you can't waste a boner
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
