I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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