YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
