PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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