im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
