I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
