I just cut my nipple shaving
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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