She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Found your dick twin last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
