update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
