Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
