I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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